WARNING..DO NOT DRINK AND STAND

I know this is a little dark but hopefully you can see our little girl is just growing up so dang fast. All of the sudden tonight she stared standing on her own, with no support. And she did it a lot. Of course she seemed to really like showing off for her Papa, which he totally got a kick out of it...who wouldn't though? Tomorrow she goes in for her 9 month check up, we are so anxious to find out how much she has grown.

Graice has had a lot going on lately. She was involved in a dance clinic that the high school girls taught, which she LOVED...I still think we have a cheerleader though:) And then last week all the second graders had a little concert. They sang 4 ADORABLE mother goose songs. They songs were super cute, I hope she remembers them so we can sing them to Kinsley.The girls keep us so busy, but we are lovin every minute of it!

Chucky Cheese

Workin the balance beam

Hey Great Grandma Bowles, check out my shirt...GO HAWKEYES!!!

Girls Just Havin Fun

Thought this would be a great way to start off this week...

TUCKER BRYANT

Tucker is a very energetic little boy, he is full of life and his family has dreams for him! The only way he will be able to fulfill these dreams is by going to a Childrens Hospital in Boston to have heart surgery. Well as many of you know surgery is very expensive, not to mention what it can do to a family financially. The Bryants live in KC. His mommy, Karen, has prayed for us and given me hope in many desperate times. Tucker deserves this surgery so much. Surgery date is April 13th. We want to help in any way we can. Gifts of Gabi's Grace Foundation has been inactive for a while. So I am hoping and praying that anyone who can help will. Simply click on the picture below and it will direct you to a special blog for Tucker to raise money. They are also doing several raffles to raise money as well. If you would like to make a monatery donation or an item to raffle, or you'd like to bid on an item...PLEASE Click on this adorable little boys picture. We are all experiencing the effects of the economy but every penny counts in a situation like this. The last thing the Bryants need to worry about is if they can afford to be with there son in a time of such importance.At the Children's Hospital in Boston there is a surgeon doing Bi-Ventricle Repairs on kiddos just like Tucker. This is not an experimental procedure, it is not a new procedure, it is however being used in a way that can fix hearts and give Tucker a new life; a long life. A life without being labeled as a "heart baby".

"Without our miracle in Boston, we sit back and wait for the day that Tuck’s little heart gives out. It could be a month, a year, or even 10 years, but the truth is, Tucker's heart will eventually give out. With the heart surgery in Boston, Tucker will have a full heart; a growing heart. He will be able to play sports. He will have oxygen saturation's in the high 90’s, not the low 60’s…..it is everything we have prayed for." -Karen

Gymnastics, Cheerleading, and Random Fun...

Gymnastics with Chelsea, we had a great time. Kins really liked the slide.

OUR FUTURE CHEERLEADER...notice the uniform Tonya:)

I have tried and tried, but Gracie is just not interested in being in the pics. Luckily I got this one, such a silly cheesy girl!
We made, with a little help from our friend Carey, our quilt block piece for the Childrens Mercy Memory Quilt. Obviously Gabi will stand out..hot pink polk a dots:) The quilt will be dedicated over the summer then hung in the hospital. I will give details once it happens, I believe anyone can view if in KC.

Seriously mommy stop with the pictures...Check out her outfit though, I love those boots!!!

30 Something...

This one is about me! I feel I have truly neglected this blog for so many reasons lately and I regret it. There is sooooo much on my mind and instead of getting things out like I used to, I for some reason have been holding everything in. WHY??? I think part of it is because I fear the truth. But if I had more faith in what is going on around me, maybe I'd realize that everything happens for a reason and some day things turn full circle. I try to be a very honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring individual. I do not want from others, I want to give.
So, this past weekend was huge. My girlfriend, Erica from KY, came in town for a weekend full of surprises. Jason planned a party in honor of my big 3-0. He rounded up so many friends I hadn't seen in a while. My girlfriend, Tonya, her hubby Nate, and their twins even came from IA. I am blessed with very special people in my life. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR COMING OUT ON SATURDAY, JUST WISHED I'D OF BEEN ABLE TO HANG A LITTLE MORE!!!
Today was my actual birthday, I had a wonderful day. My neighbor who is a very good friend took me out to lunch, sushi....YUMMY, and then we got pedicures. What a great relaxing day for just us girls. Then Jason and the girls met me on Mass. St. for some b-day shopping. Actually I think the girls got more than me. Oh well, that is what I do for my girls!

So I started thinking about how quickly life happens. I am in shock to say I am 30, I do not feel 30...or do I? I have experienced so much life in the past year and a half I feel way older than 30. I mean is a person my age suppose to of experienced the things Jason and I have. It all comes down to losing Gabi. I am young I have so much life to live, but yet I lost my daughter and for what? She was a blessing sent from the heavens above and then poof...GONE! UGH, it is still so frustrating. Gracie and Kinsley are here to celebrate this day with me, but I will never have all 3 of my girls together.
I changed out a few pics in frames in Gracie's room the other day. One pics is of her, Kinsley, and her little brother...we both said how it's not fair Gabi can't be in that pic too. Yea, yea, yea she is there in spirit, but that will never be good enough. I just want to SCREAM sometimes. I hate to complain and sound like oh poor me...blah blah blah, but it just sucks! I know that is not what many of you think I should focus on, the Lord has his plan and I should just know that with him I can and will get through this, but will I ever feel complete again...NO!!!

Ok, I do have so much to be thankful for and believe me I AM. Things can always be worse, but come on...this is the worse thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know how else to express my emotions other than to feel a sense of emptiness. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my girls, I love my family, I love my friends. I am a christian, but I am still searching for things that I wonder if I will ever feel the way I used to again. I forgive, but will I ever forget...the pain is always so deep and on the surface.

Many of you have prayed and offered your friendship and kind words to us...THANK YOU!!! I feel that is why I continue on in my search for the unknown. One day I will find it in my heart, but I guess I am just not ready. As for now I am the oldest 30 year old I know. But I did get carded tonight at dinner, so I still got something going for me...HEHEHE!!!

And the search goes on...

Well we continue to search for our sanity! Jason is still searching for a job he can make his career, but we haven't had much luck. He has 2 really big interviews these next 2 weeks. Talk about nerve racking, I feel like we just keep beating our heads up against the wall. He enjoy selling cancer policies, but it is just not cutting it. With today's economy there is not extra money out there that people are buying extra policies, which means no income for us. So hence the reason for continuing the search.

As for me, I have made a huge decision which will go into effect in the fall. I will be going back to school to get a degree in Elementary Education. I have been toying around with the idea for a while now, but thought that since I just had Kinsley it wasn't the right time. But the more I think about it the longer I wait I will always have an excuse for why it is not the right time. So I figured if I at least wait until fall I can get all my ducks in a row and we will just make it work. Plus I don't plan on going to far from home, Baker University is about 15 minutes away. And I have already talked to them and it will only take me 2 years and that includes Student Teaching. And by the time I finish Kinsley would be 3, so I could get her in Preschool and I can work again. Which would help tremendously, I feel like Jason has so much pressure on him, that if I could contribute I would feel so much better. Don't get me wrong I LOVE staying at home with the kids, but I find myself needing something for me. I hope that doesn't sound selfish. I put my girls ahead of everything. There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for them, but again I need more. And I feel like at that point Kinsley will be getting into school and play groups and well I will have more time for me.

Plus we still haven't decided if we are gonna have another baby. Somedays we want one more, somedays we don't...it's scary when everything is so perfect now! And by that I mean that Kinsley and Gracie are healthy beautiful girls, and I am so afraid of what happened to Gabi happening again.

Now as for the girls. Gracie is growing up so fast. She is doing very well in school. And she has made some great new friends. It is so exciting that she is here in town with us now. And we get to see her so much more. Jason and I are so thankful for the time we have together and we get to be involved in so much more now. She just recently had to get glasses, which are super cute! She is near sighted, the dr. said it may actually correct itself with time, so we'll see. She really likes them. I don't have a pic. yet, but I will be sure to post one soon. She is quite the stylish little thing, but would you expect anything less???

Hat Day at school
And of course PJ Day

Now as for Kinsley well I think I will let the pictures say what she has been up to.

Spaghetti need I say more???

She is now walking a few steps at a time with the walker, and she loves it!

As you can see she REALLY enjoys her bottles, if you didn't know you'd think she was a lush!

And I think my mom would tell you, she gets this from me. Sleeping with her bootie stickin straight up...when I was her age of course!

And finally our little Rock Star in the making!

8 months and growing strong...

What can I say...we love TARGET!!!
She is pulling her self up on everything, or I should say trying. I helped a little here, but it won't be long little Miss Independent will be on her own.

I/We cannot get over how stinkin cute she is. This is the first shot she stood long enough I got in on camera.

Kinsley is now 8 months old. She is crawling all over the place. Last night she was playing with her walker. I stood her up and she was just hangin out. Next thing I know she took 3 steps all by herself. I would love to see her take her first steps before my birthday, which is next month, but we'll see. She is eating tons these days. Basically she will eat anything I let her. I have slowly been working on table foods. She still only has 2 teeth, so I am super careful.

I need to post Gabi's b-day pics. We had a wonderful celebration with great family and friends! I didn't get a ton of pics but some definitely worth posting, I will do it very soon.

I am feeling a bit under weather. I took some medicine tonight and now I can't sleep...UGHHHHH!!!! That stuff is suppose to make me sleepy!

HaPpY BiRtHdAy PuNkY!!!

This is such a bittersweet day! As you can tell by the time of my post I cannot sleep. I try but everytime I end up in tears. At 4:41am it will be Gabi's 2nd birthday. It was hard enough not being able to celebrate her first birthday with her and now another year has passed. I wish I could say it seems like yesterday that I held her in my arms for the first time, but the truth is I cannot remember what it was like to hold her. It seems as if the memories get further and further out of reach everyday. I keep telling myself she WAS real and she will ALWAYS be the biggest part of my heart. I strive everyday to be better than the day before. And I owe that all to my angel. Gabi taught me so much of what the true meaning of life is.

She was sent to me on a mission and I feel she accomplished that! It is not what we have or don't have that makes us who we are. It is what we learn as we experience each day, one day at a time.

My precious Gabriele,
Mommy, Daddy, and Gracie miss you so much. I just know that we would of had a great time together as a family, but God had a different plan for us. And although we may never understand, we have to accept that. I do believe you knew me well enough to know that I needed baby Kinsley in order to continue to keep my focus. Because of Kinsley I am able to move forward each day. Don't get me wrong, not a single day goes by I don't wish you were here, but it makes life a little easier to deal with when I am chasing her around the house:) I can barely keep up and I know it will only get worse, but THANK YOU! Well, I should thank God and I do, but I think when you made the deal to go back after sneaking away it was a good trade. I hope that makes sense, you can NEVER be replaced, but I was given someone else to love just as I would of and still do love you.
I feel like none of this is coming out right. I am so upset I even have to write such a stupid letter to you. You should be here and we should be having a huge party today! UGHHHHH!!!! Baby my heart aches every second of everyday for you. I would give ANYTHING to touch you, kiss you, hold you, polish your toes, put your hair in piggies...ANYTHING! I cannot believe that this is our life, isn't this what happens to other people, on a Lifetime movie or something. Here I go again, tears...
I cannot wait till Kinsley gets older and I can tell her all about her big sissy. She will be so proud of how brave you were and how lucky we are to have such a special guardian angel! Gracie talks about you all the time. We were both pretty upset tonight, cause we feel cheated! We wanted more time with you. I could go on and on about what we don't have with you. But the most important thing for me to do is focus on what we once had and hold those memories closest to my heart. You were my first daughter, always will be. There is a special bond there no one can take from us. And although I wish we could be together I find comfort knowing we will be someday.
I love you punky! I miss you soooooooooo much. Be a good girl as you celebrate in the heavens above. I can't wait for you to get all of your balloons. Look for a couple of special ones from me, daddy, and both your sisters.

LOVE LOVE...LOVE LOVE

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Family Member Needs a Good Home!

I'll try to keep this as upbeat as possible but unfortunately we need to find a good home for the second oldest female in our family...Sadi, our Australian Shepard.

Sadi has been a great family pet and good with all of our children. However for some reason last night Kinsley crawled up behind her like she has done many times, and Sadi growled and nipped at her very quickly. It scared the living daylights out of both of us and I almost killed the dog! She is a great dog though and has been very good for everyone in the family up until now, and we just can not take the chance of something happening again. Kinsley is OK, when Sadi nipped at her she didn't even break the skin but the quick snap at Kinsley's head just left a little bruise and a mark on her forehead. Luckily she has a tough head just like her Dad! All we can think about though is the fact that it could of been a lot worse.

If someone would like to have Sadi she needs lots of love and attention and a place to run. She is a very energetic dog as are all Aussies. She has been an inside dog her entire life of 5.5 years but think she would really enjoy being on a farm to run as much as she wants. As I mentioned before she has been great with Gracie my 7 year old daughter, Zach my 4 year old nephew, and Joellen our 2 year old neighbor. We obviously want her to go to a good home and will not let just anyone take her but if you know of a GOOD home please let us know.

Long Overdue Photo Update...

First time in a high chair at a resturant...she is gettin so big!

The coolest rocker EVER!!!

Christmas Eve with her new walker

Christmas Day just bein silly
Christmas Morning Jammies

They were so happy Christmas Morning!

Christmas Eve, I think she liked the bows more than the presents

The best gifts of all

Christmas Eve you always get to open one!

NEW YEAR EVE, ready for the count down

New Year Morning, lookin good even after a long night of partyin!!!