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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

30 Something...

This one is about me! I feel I have truly neglected this blog for so many reasons lately and I regret it. There is sooooo much on my mind and instead of getting things out like I used to, I for some reason have been holding everything in. WHY??? I think part of it is because I fear the truth. But if I had more faith in what is going on around me, maybe I'd realize that everything happens for a reason and some day things turn full circle. I try to be a very honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring individual. I do not want from others, I want to give.
So, this past weekend was huge. My girlfriend, Erica from KY, came in town for a weekend full of surprises. Jason planned a party in honor of my big 3-0. He rounded up so many friends I hadn't seen in a while. My girlfriend, Tonya, her hubby Nate, and their twins even came from IA. I am blessed with very special people in my life. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR COMING OUT ON SATURDAY, JUST WISHED I'D OF BEEN ABLE TO HANG A LITTLE MORE!!!
Today was my actual birthday, I had a wonderful day. My neighbor who is a very good friend took me out to lunch, sushi....YUMMY, and then we got pedicures. What a great relaxing day for just us girls. Then Jason and the girls met me on Mass. St. for some b-day shopping. Actually I think the girls got more than me. Oh well, that is what I do for my girls!

So I started thinking about how quickly life happens. I am in shock to say I am 30, I do not feel 30...or do I? I have experienced so much life in the past year and a half I feel way older than 30. I mean is a person my age suppose to of experienced the things Jason and I have. It all comes down to losing Gabi. I am young I have so much life to live, but yet I lost my daughter and for what? She was a blessing sent from the heavens above and then poof...GONE! UGH, it is still so frustrating. Gracie and Kinsley are here to celebrate this day with me, but I will never have all 3 of my girls together.
I changed out a few pics in frames in Gracie's room the other day. One pics is of her, Kinsley, and her little brother...we both said how it's not fair Gabi can't be in that pic too. Yea, yea, yea she is there in spirit, but that will never be good enough. I just want to SCREAM sometimes. I hate to complain and sound like oh poor me...blah blah blah, but it just sucks! I know that is not what many of you think I should focus on, the Lord has his plan and I should just know that with him I can and will get through this, but will I ever feel complete again...NO!!!

Ok, I do have so much to be thankful for and believe me I AM. Things can always be worse, but come on...this is the worse thing that has ever happened to me and I don't know how else to express my emotions other than to feel a sense of emptiness. I love my life, I love my husband, I love my girls, I love my family, I love my friends. I am a christian, but I am still searching for things that I wonder if I will ever feel the way I used to again. I forgive, but will I ever forget...the pain is always so deep and on the surface.

Many of you have prayed and offered your friendship and kind words to us...THANK YOU!!! I feel that is why I continue on in my search for the unknown. One day I will find it in my heart, but I guess I am just not ready. As for now I am the oldest 30 year old I know. But I did get carded tonight at dinner, so I still got something going for me...HEHEHE!!!

8 comments:

Izzy 'N Emmy said...

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday Dear Micah,
Happy Birthday To You!

You are doing great. One day at a time. It's okay for you to feel the way you do, I know I'd be feeling the same way. You'll find the answers you need all in good time.

I am glad to hear about your party! I bet it was great having all your friends together. Have a great week and give those girls hugs for us!!

Rachel said...

Well first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You dont look a day over 25.

Yes...you have been through alot. I have not lost a child, so I dont know how that feels, but in my life, I have been through so much with a domestic violence marriage. I was beat to a pulp for 5 yrs and wondered how in the world I would ever get over this.

No...again, it's not the loss of a baby. I cannot imagine that, but it is something that will affect me for the rest of my life. All I do every day is look at what I do have, right now, and be greatful. I have so many bad days, but so many good ones too.

I'm sure the pain of losing your beautiful Gabi will never go away, but it will not be so heavy all the time.

You are right, she is a gift from God, and a beautiful gift at that, so why did she get taken away so soon....NO CLUE! And that makes me mad too.

We all (all of us readers) love you to death and are here for you, so if you need to vent....YOU VENT! You have that right.

I am praying for you and your family every day and I hope that the pain lessens some for you!

Love and Prayers Always,

Rachel
lovefor9.blogspot.com
luvfor9@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Happy birthday to my little girl, I know how hard life is right now so it sounds like you had a really good day and left all those troubles behind. I wish I could do or say something to make it all go away, isn't that what moms are supposed to do?? As much as I hurt losing Gabi, it can not compare to your pain. You have every right to feel this way and I don't imagine it would ever go away. I could never imagine me without you!! Now as for the 30 thing...I can not believe it cause that makes me REALLY old...anyway I could not be more proud of the person,wife and mother that you are. You are the gift that keeps on giving. What a lucky mom I am to have you and your family is "very" lucky to be loved by you. Hope you had a great day with your beautiful family and every day will get better. I love you so much!!

Love, Mommy

Mia hat eins mehr said...

Congrats to your birthday! I hope you had a wonderful dinner. Your little angel is always around, you know that deep inside. I totally understand your feelings. She is just not there, and nobody can ever change that...but one day, you will meet with her again.

Love from germany
Claudia

who always thinks how beautiful Gaby is.

Isabella said...

Happy Birthday!! I feel so bad that we missed your party. It has been super crazy around here with Matt losing his job and us trying to finish the house. I am glad you had a great time though. Matt and I will have to take you out for lunch when we are in town in March to celebrate.
You know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. And remember that I am ALWAYS here if you need anything.
Love You and Miss you bunches
Megan

Wendy's Mom said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICAH!!! It sounds like you have had a great weekend and day. That is good to hear!!

As the YEARS go by loosing Gabi will get easier. However some days will be a lot easier than others. You will always think about her, and there will always be an empty feeling in your heart for her.
What you are going through right now is pretty normal. I am truly sorry that you or anyone else has to go through this. It is truly not fair!

Love,
Sheila

Kaden and Angel Ava's mommy said...

I think your words can speak for any mommy who has lost a precious one. I know when I read your post, I can hear the same words in my heart. It's not that our lives are empty, it's just that there is a big piece missing. I don't think that we will ever be able to fill that space again. It is meant for Gabi (or Ava in my case).

It sounds like you had a wonderful birthday. No wonder you got carded...you are one hot 30 year old : ). I hope all is going well otherwise. If you ever need to talk, I am just a phone call or e-mail away.

Happy Birthday!!!

All 4 My Gals said...

I can't imagine honey the pain that you have endured and come through with grace. Unfortunately because our kids do have medical issues sometimes there are several of you that I call friends whom my heart breaks for. It's not fair and I don't think we'll ever understand until we're in the arms of Jesus. Just where your Gabi is with full understanding and full of grace.

Much love and Happy birthday! You are a baby! :-)
Your very old, just turned 43, friend!