Friday, August 8, 2008

Straight Strugglin'

Oh our precious Gabber Goo!!!

Everyday is a struggle for many reasons. I often wonder if we will ever get out of our current situation? We are both very determined and strong willed people I know we will, but how much more can we take. I hate to dwell on things that ultimately mean nothing in life, but when you can't seem to make any ground it is awfully difficult to think positive about anything! If you are the type of person who can't stand a little complaining this entry is not for you. I never intended this blog to become such an emotional book, but I never knew how life was going to be.
I layed in bed last thinking to myself about what people say to us on a daily basis, "How are you doing?" or "Wow, I can't believe it has been so long!" or "She (meaning Gabi) is looking down on you right now and she is so proud!" Of course we give the usual answers, we are doing good, I know it has been a long time and yes I know she is always around protecting us. But what I really want to say is that we are terrible. We don't talk about Gabi the way we used to, we don't remember the little things like we used to, we are not the strong parents everyone thinks we are. We are human, our hearts are broken. And it is the worse kind of broken you can imagine. We will never get to touch our first daughter again, we never got to hear her say her first words, watch her first steps, open presents at her first Christmas, tear into her first birthday cake...I could go on and on. I still have such a difficult time understanding why. I am so short tempered these days and I absolutely hate it! I have so much anger inside of me. I want to be that happy mommy I once was, but she is gone, forever! I have responsibilities with Gracie and Kinsley and I will still be the best I can be, but I often wonder how it would be if Gabi was still here. Poor Kins is gonna be so over protected, I hope she understands! And then Gracie she has been amamzing, but I hope she never feels like she is being short changed either.

I love our girls more than life itself, I just wish we had all 3 of our girls with us. It has been a long year, but even with that being said I can't believe how quickly time has passed. Last night I had to send an email with a picture of Gabi to the hospital for a Memorial Service that is being held in October. While Gabi was in the PICU I never once thought for a second this is the kind of email I'd be sending a year later. Unfortunately things do not always turn out the way you want, but you must keep moving forward. Learn from the past, take time to be thankful for the things in your life everyday...meaningful things! I cannot emphasize that enough. As much as I would love to go shop, have a good time out with my hubby, or spoil my girls...the things that truly mean the most is us just being able to spend time together. So honey, sorry for the frustration lately, but I miss you and spending time together is the only thing that is truly important to me! I know it will get better, but it always seems to get worse first! So I guess I will just sit tight and surely things will change soon, at least that is what I pray for.

Give those babies hugs and moochies everyday, don't just tell them you love them, mean it...let it show by your actions!

And as always...REMEMBER GABI!!!


Shannon @ Gabi's World said...

I just want to come give you a great big hug! No words can make it better. I think we all know that. So just feel this big squeeze from southern Indiana. (((HUGS)))

Isabella said...

We love you guys and we think of Gabi each and everyday.
Love, Prayers and Hugs Always

Anonymous said...

I am really sorry and it saddens me that there is nothing that I can do! Like said before, I doubt words can help, and honestly, I probably couldn't think of any anyways =(, I'm really really sorry that your going through this, I never imagined this is how it would turn out but God had more in his hands! Just thank him everyone day for blessing you with her and letting her come down for a little bit. Bless him every day for being in love, loving someone and having someone love u, and being happy and breathing! I know it may be hard.. When my ex (David, u remember) was in Iraq he lost trust and faith in God, because he lost his good friend to a roadside bomb. My advice and I know you have not, is to never lose trust or faith in our lord Jesus Christ! (LOOK AT ME ALL JESUS-LIKE!.. I'm proud of myself!) I hope things get easier, Although it's going to take time to heal. I know Kinsley will understand when she gets older and I'm sure Gracie as well as your family is also feeling some of the things your feeling.. Maybe u should talk to someone or let the anger out more often..If you need anything-I am here.. any time of the night or day..I have no life.
Love and Miss u
On Strength:
Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

On Life After Death!
Isaiah 40:31 - "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Pam said...

Oh Micah, I think of you so often, and although I never met Gabi, I feel like I know her.

Looking at her pictures makes me miss her, I can only imagine what it's like for you....I take that back I can't even imagine what it's like for you.

Let me know if I can do anything, I know it sounds crazy, but still. My heart still aches for you guys.


Pam and Rhett

Rachel said...

YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR FEELING THIS WAY@!!!! First of all, you have reason to be sad, you have reason to be grumpy, you have reason to question ?Why?. Do not feel like you must apologize to anyone for the way you feel. It is natural.

Just know that we, everyone praying for you, those who know you and those who don't...we understand and love you guys no matter what!!!

I know that we dont know each other, only through this blog, but I am hear for you if you ever need me.


amy flege said...

Just stopping by to let you know I still think of Gabi everyday. She really touched my heart in a special way! hugs to you!