Straight Strugglin'

Oh our precious Gabber Goo!!!

Everyday is a struggle for many reasons. I often wonder if we will ever get out of our current situation? We are both very determined and strong willed people I know we will, but how much more can we take. I hate to dwell on things that ultimately mean nothing in life, but when you can't seem to make any ground it is awfully difficult to think positive about anything! If you are the type of person who can't stand a little complaining this entry is not for you. I never intended this blog to become such an emotional book, but I never knew how life was going to be.

I layed in bed last thinking to myself about what people say to us on a daily basis, "How are you doing?" or "Wow, I can't believe it has been so long!" or "She (meaning Gabi) is looking down on you right now and she is so proud!" Of course we give the usual answers, we are doing good, I know it has been a long time and yes I know she is always around protecting us. But what I really want to say is that we are terrible. We don't talk about Gabi the way we used to, we don't remember the little things like we used to, we are not the strong parents everyone thinks we are. We are human, our hearts are broken. And it is the worse kind of broken you can imagine. We will never get to touch our first daughter again, we never got to hear her say her first words, watch her first steps, open presents at her first Christmas, tear into her first birthday cake...I could go on and on. I still have such a difficult time understanding why. I am so short tempered these days and I absolutely hate it! I have so much anger inside of me. I want to be that happy mommy I once was, but she is gone, forever! I have responsibilities with Gracie and Kinsley and I will still be the best I can be, but I often wonder how it would be if Gabi was still here. Poor Kins is gonna be so over protected, I hope she understands! And then Gracie she has been amamzing, but I hope she never feels like she is being short changed either.

I love our girls more than life itself, I just wish we had all 3 of our girls with us. It has been a long year, but even with that being said I can't believe how quickly time has passed. Last night I had to send an email with a picture of Gabi to the hospital for a Memorial Service that is being held in October. While Gabi was in the PICU I never once thought for a second this is the kind of email I'd be sending a year later. Unfortunately things do not always turn out the way you want, but you must keep moving forward. Learn from the past, take time to be thankful for the things in your life everyday...meaningful things! I cannot emphasize that enough. As much as I would love to go shop, have a good time out with my hubby, or spoil my girls...the things that truly mean the most is us just being able to spend time together. So honey, sorry for the frustration lately, but I miss you and spending time together is the only thing that is truly important to me! I know it will get better, but it always seems to get worse first! So I guess I will just sit tight and surely things will change soon, at least that is what I pray for.

Give those babies hugs and moochies everyday, don't just tell them you love them, mean it...let it show by your actions!

And as always...REMEMBER GABI!!!