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Monday, September 22, 2008

Dreaming an Angel

Sorry for such the delay since the last entry, I just haven't really been in the mood to blog. You would think that with such a beautiful healthy family I'd have so much to say...I do, but it just doesn't seem right to be so happy when inside I am so sad.
It has been a while since I have had an emotional entry, so be prepared. I am so sad but not for the reasons many of you would think. I am obviously mourning the loss of my child, but I do not feel like things are going the way they should. Who says how I should feel or not feel, all I know is that what I feel now it has to be wrong. I am in such a state of denial. I see her pictures everyday around the house and it makes me smile. But I often wonder who she is...here is what I mean by that. She was here for such a short amount of time we were cheated and did not get to know her the way I always dreamt for any of my children. She blessed us with an entire new outlook on life, she made us better people, she touched our hearts in a way I will forever be thankful for, but she broke my heart the day she left. I still have anger in me that I thought would be gone. I feel like it was all a dream. Gabi came into our lives and as soon as we got comfortable she was gone. I had a dream last night and when I woke up this morning it felt so real. The dream did not relate in anyway to Gabi, but when I woke I had to pinch myself back to reality! That is how I feel about my precious baby. I know she was here in my arms. I have pictures and her toys, her clothes...tons of her things, but it is all just stuff...Where is she? Why isn't she here to wear those clothes, play with those toys, be in more pictures? More importantly why did God think she was better off in his arms rather than mine, I am her mother, how could anyone be better for her than me? And how will Kinsley ever know enough about her? I feel like I don't even know enough to be able to tell her all she should know about her sissy.
I fear forgetting I feel like everyday she becomes more distant in my mind. She is forever in my heart, but when you have so few memories they seem to fade and that scares me to death.
When I look at Kinsley I see so much of Gabi in her. Obviously they look alike they are sisters. I never saw down syndrome when I looked at Gabi, that is not who she was, she was this perfect little angel that gave my life new meaning. And now when I see Kinsely I see a new reason to keep going after such a tragedy. And my sweet Gracie, she keeps me going as well. I hope someday she realizes just how much she helped me stay focused on her and Kinsley. I have to give Jason credit too! There are days I would love to just stay in bed, but with 2 girls on the go and a husband who depends on me as much as I depend on him...we all have to keep focused!

Punky, Mommy misses you more everyday. I thought that with time it would be easier, but it is not. I cannot wait to see you again! I wish I could hold you, kiss you, love on you and someday I will. But until then I will be missing you like crazy...xoxoxo I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE you with all my heart and soul!

9 comments:

Kaden and Angel Ava's mommy said...

Hi Micah,
I just read another post on a blog who's family has touched my heart. Their baby, Elli, just passed away. Her post was very similar to yours (in different ways...I know that doesn't make sense). After reading your post and thinking you must be reading my mind I have decided that what you are going through and feeling is what any mommy who lost an angel would go through. The feeling of everything being a dream (that is my biggest issue right now), forgetting things and just not being able to completely understand.

I am glad you post your feelings and thoughts. It helps me see that I am not going crazy or that I am not super paranoid over things. My thoughts and prayers are always with you guys.

To answer your questions: Things are going well. I am going to have a level 2 U/S Oct. 1. I have started getting nervous on the "what ifs," but continue to tell myself that everything is going good...that is what the first U/S showed. I did have a dream the other night that we are having a girl, so this will definitely let us know that it is still a boy...or maybe not : ). Well, this is getting long. If you need to talk, call me!!!

Isabella said...

I wish I knew what to say. We love you guys and you are in our daily thoughts and prayers. And you know you can call me anytime.

Rachel said...

Micah, I know you don't know me (personally), only through blogs, but I want to just HUG you! You are and inspiration to me. Actually, several of you are! Elli's mom, Ava's Mom, Ethan's mom, Sully's Mom, Kacey's Mom and many many more. I don't even begin to pretend I know what you Moms (with beautiful angels) are going through. All I can say is that what you are feeling can not be anything more than normal. How could you not miss Gabi? She is so beautiful. I fell in love with her the minuted I saw her 1st picture.

Hang in there honey. I am not far from you and will always be willing to lend a shoulder, and ear or a heart.

You and your beautiful family is always in my heart and mind. Day in and Day out! I love you guys!

Rachel

CrackerJacks said...

I wish I knew what to say but I am almost at a loss for words. Your post was very touching and even though some things may fade, there are so many other memories that will not. She will always be in your heart.

Let me know if you need anything.

xxoo

About all of this said...

Dear Micah, before I went to your website to see how you guys are doing I did post something very similar on my blog. Today it is exactly 5 months since our little Mia had to go her way and I felt the same. Amy posted about the same feelings just a few weeks ago. At the moment I so wish to have Mia around, to get to know to her more, to feel her little hands touching my face. On the other hand memories seem to fade away, I cannot remember her laughing really. For me it is good that I have some short videos that I can watch. And sometimes I wonder if that was all maybe just a dream although I certainly know it was not. I miss that little one terrible, and to be honest, I don`t think it will be getting better, I actually assume it`s getting worse; but still it`s "normal" as normal as it can be if a mother has lost a child.

Didn`t we all see horrible things, went through extrem fear and hope and had to stand beside in the end. We have all the right to be sad and to miss our loved ones. Let me thank you for posting your fears and feelings as I know now that with all I am going through I am not alone and that we kind of all have the same fears and feelings. Isn`t that a small comfort in all this mess?

Love
Claudia
[www.miahateinsmehr.blogspot.com]

Michelle said...

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, so I won't pretend to say I know what you're feeling - that wouldn't be fair. But I'm sure that whatever you feel on any given day is right and real and no one can tell you what you 'should' be feeling, or that you shouldn't be sad anymore etc. I'm sorry you don't have Gabi with you in the here and now; her life here on earth was too fleeting - but she did touch many, many lives. Hugs and prayers to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Try not to be hard on yourself, you are a great mom and you will never forget Gabi! If only we could all remember every little wonderful detail, but I don't think it is humanly possible. Pictures and videos will bring some of it back and make you smile as you remember things, but try not to punish yourself for needing a reminder. It's ok and its normal. Nobody thinks you should be "over it" or moving on easily, so don't feel bad about allowing yourself to feel bad. Call me when you feel like talking or we can even get together, just let me know. Love you! Laurie

Fred Acker said...

Dear Jason & Micah,
While the bond between a Mother and child is obviously the strongest one two people can have, the bond between brothers is a strong one as well. Having lost my brother when he was only 23, I have a good understanding of what it's like to loose someone you're really close to. Thank God we didn't loose Jason when he had his bout with cancer so I'd fully understand.
Knowing what you studied in college, I'm sure you understand the stages one goes through after losing a loved one. All I can tell you is that they're very true. I went from disbelief to sadness and then on to anger for my brother leaving me. I felt like it was his fault. I've finally reached the point where I only think of the good times we had, the silly games we played, the funny blunders my very smart, artistic but "no common sense" brother made, but I'll admit it took me several years to reach that point.

I also went through the stage where I was mad at God. "Why did You do this? This makes no sense God!" It's ok to be mad at God. He understands. It's only normal in circumstances like yours to question God's motives. You'll hear all the cliches like "someday you'll understand" and all that kind of jazz, but I know it doesn't help much. All I can say about that is that the hurt will become more bearable with time. It will never get easier, but you will reach a point of acceptance. Matthew 11:28-29 reads "Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." With my current circumstances, I rely on this verse a lot. Knowing God is there and that He loves me is a great comfort to me.

Perhaps someday we'll have the answers we're searching for, but until then just know that God is caring for Gabi better than anyone or anything on this earth possibly could. She's probably sitting with her Great Uncle Ed right now and he's probably telling her silly stories about her Grandfather! Ha!

Hang in there kids. We all love and miss Gabi. She was, and is, a lovely, beautiful child and we'll all get to see her again someday. God will take care of her until then. What better care could she possibly have?

With all the love we can muster,
Grandma and Grandpa Acker

All 4 My Gals said...

Micah, There are no words to express to you how much you are loved from afar. I am praying for you and praying for peace to find it's way to your heart.
Much love, Nicole