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Monday, September 10, 2007

HEART BROKEN...

Yesterday was really rough! We went to church and it was so good to be back with our congregation. Then it hit me, Gabi will never be there with us...it was a terrible feeling. The sermon was great but of course I felt like Jim was speaking directly towards us...Is There A Tomorrow? Geeeesssssshhhhhhhhhhh! My best friend said we will see many signs, this being one of them and we will cry a lot, mostly referring to me. Right now we are obviously grieving and it is still so very fresh, but someday when the pain is a little easier to cope with, we will smile at the signs instead of get upset. It's Gabi's way of letting us know she is ok! I want to believe that and someday I hope I will but right now I am at a lost...my precious baby girl is gone. All I want is a few more moments with her, I want to hold her, kiss her, hug her, tell her how much I love her! I do talk to her all the time, some may think I am crazy I still sing to her every night...after all she IS and ALWAYS will be my sunshine!
Last night I couldn't sleep every time I closed my eyes I could see Gabi, but it was the last time I saw her...I had to open my eyes to stop the horrible nightmare! So needless to say not sleeping much these days! I have noticed though Sunday nights are the toughest as far as trying to go to bed, because it means another week has passed.
I finally cleaned up all the dead flowers this passed weekend. Talk about a job, we got so many beautiful fresh cut flowers...Thank you everyone! The unfortunate part is they die so quickly...I wish I could of kept them forever, but my house would stink, now the garage stinks...oh well trash day is tomorrow. I am hoping that I don't kill the plants we received...I have never been one to keep live plants, so I am trying it out. My mother in law is great with plants so I call her and then of course her and my sister in law remind me to water them:)
What would I do without my wonderful family???? I would definitely be way more insane than I already am!!!
Hopefully today is a little easier...
I love you sweet angel!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sure we all wish we had the perfect magical words that would make you feel better, but there are no such words. Only time can heal your heart. Just keep expressing your emotions, letting out your tears, and singing to your baby. Gabi will always be with you, and all of us.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry it was a rough day for you Sunday. I also know Dad wasn't speaking directly to you either, Micah! There will always be lots of 1st you will overcome. I am not in your shoes and none of us truly know the pain you are feeling right now. Please know that we are still thinking and praying for you daily!! Go do something fun for yourself, you deserve it girlie!! Angie Cain-Arnett

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and am so moved by your story. Your precious angel has now touched yet another life.

Many years ago my family suffered the loss of a child. While he was not one of my own the pain was overwhelming. Now that years have passed and I have my own children because of him I remember how important and precious time is with them. Your beautiful angel will live in my heart now each time I hug my own children. Hopefully, you can feel and know that she will live on as she influences us all, even those who didn't know her, to slow down and really love those around us.

God bless you, your family, and your little angel. I will keep you all in my prayers.

kaden's mommy said...

The way you are feeling is perfectly normal...and why wouldn't it be. Keep singing and talking to your little angel, she's listening. You are her mommy, she will always be with you. I can't even begin to imagine going to sleep at night. I am sure it is very hard. That's one time people have time to reflect. My heart still aches with you. I just could not imagine how hard you two have it right now. Keep sharing your thoughts and hopefully that will help you in many ways. Take care, Amy

Anonymous said...

Micah I pray for you and your family daily. Times like these will make you a stronger and more faithful Chrisitan woman. Your sweet baby will always live in your hearts - There will be lots of times for you to reflect. Stay strong. I look forward to seeing you and our "circle of friends" at the Valley Homecoming. God Bless You!
Love, Katie Walls

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you ever heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant, but every time I hear it I think of the parents in the PICU who have lost children. The message is incredible and so true. Although I never took care of Gabi, I know she was a very special girl, with a very special family. I continue to pray for you and your family all the time.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

Fred and Phyllis Acker said...

While none of us other than a mother that has lost a child will really understand how you feel, we all cry a little everytime we think about Gabi being gone. BUT, she is not gone forever! We will all see her again. Right now she is running and playing at the feet of Jesus and patiently waiting for the rest of us.

I know thinking about that doesn't ease the pain much but just remember you're not alone. Gabi touched the hearts of hunreds if not thousands of people and taught us that it's a wonderful thing to love others and to let others love you. She'll be on our minds and in our hearts as long as we're on this earth and she'll be with us all again someday. She's not gone, just waiting for us.

And remember, if you want to release a little pressure you can always come out to our place and scream at the turkeys! We love all three (four?) of you!

Grandma & Grandpa Acker