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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Minor Misunderstanding...

So I was being very optimistic in thinking she may be off the ventilator by friday. The doctor stopped by and said we will hope for next friday, then if it happens sooner we can celebrate. She has surprised us before so nothing is impossible, but we need to stay realistic too! She is having a very good day considering the change in her meds.
Hearing this makes me a bit sad, because the chance of getting to hold her this week are slim to none. I asked if I could while on the ventilator and because of all the iv's that would not be good now, but maybe as we decrease some of that the chances will be greater. This is heart breaking... imagine having a child you are so used to holding all the time and then go a month without being able to hold nothing more than her hand...it is not an easy thing to accept. I know things could be worse, but this is the toughest thing I have ever faced in my life. I have stayed pretty strong, but it is starting to take a toll on me. I have gone home a bit more and I feel guilty doing that, but it is so hard to be in the same little room all the time and not be able to comfort and hold my baby. I hate feeling these emotions, but sometimes it is easier to be away. But then when I am at home and away I want to be back at the hosptial. It is a constant battle with myself. I definitely am comforted that she is doing so well... I am just losing a bit of my patience...I need to hold her, I need to see her smile.... Then I start thinking I need to not be so selfish. I will conitue to pray for my angel and her recovery, but I am also praying to find even more strength! She will come home and that is what I need to focus on!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Micah,

You will NEVER get over wanting to hold and comfort your child. Even after they have grown up! You are doing so well but I completely understand your frustration. Just try to keep the big picture in mind. You should not feel guilty about going home and RESTING. When little Gabi is ready to come home you will need your strength then. The pros are taking good care of her now so do rest when you can.

Bert

Anonymous said...

Gabi knows that you are always there for her, even if you need a break every once in a while. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Think about how much fun you will have making up for all those missed hugs when this is all over. Stay strong. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Micah! You are such a strong person! You and Jason are going thru so many emotions right now. It is ok what you are feeling, you are not being selfish at all. Even as our children get older we still want to hold them! Gabi is in such good hands with Children's Mercy and God. They will take care of your little angel. Get all rested up for Gabi!! The Arnett's

nate and amy said...

I understand completely how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have to take care of yourself as well. I too hope that you can hold Gabi soon, even if it has to be on the ventilator. I am sure she will enjoy it too. You have been so strong, you should be proud of yourself. Believe it or not, while we were in the NICU we were near babies whose parents never visited. Like I've said before, Gabi is one lucky little girl. It is ok to take a break when you need it...that's how you keep your head on straight. Hang in there, the time will come when you can hold your angel again, and it will be oh so worth the wait. Take care...Nate and Amy

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Micah! I can't imagine how you are feeling but you are not being selfish. You are such a strong peron. You need your rest..and I'm sure its somewhat easier being away knowing Gabi is in such good hands but you shouldn't feel bad. Not too much longer and you will be able to hold your little angel. Shes so lucky to have such wonderful parents. Keeping you in my prayers.

Love ya,
Christy